An immigrant’s race epiphany: Racial resentment.
My mind raced with a million thoughts and questions as I watched the news of George Floyd’s death in my aunt’s living room. This was it: my first triggering encounter with the reality of racial politics in America.
“But when I came to America, I discovered a liveliness around race.”
I moved to America in the Fall of 2019, right before the pandemic brought a new kind of chaos into the world. Before my move, I rarely thought about race. If I ever did, it was only in the context of European imperialism which I learned in secondary and high school because my country (Cameroon) was colonized by the Portuguese, then the Germans, then the British and French (it’s really still under French rule but that’s a discussion for another day). While I knew of slavery and racial segregation in the West, I only thought of race from a historical perspective. But when I came to America, I discovered a liveliness around race. I learned that race and racism did not only reside in America’s past, it was alive and breathing in her present. It was alive in her entertainment, her schools, and her politics. In some cases it was being fed to stay alive.
I was disgusted by the circumstances surrounding Floyd’s death, but I did not initially consider race as a factor for it until I read news headlines and saw the BLM protests. I had experienced shock at being the only dark-skinned person in my college classes, but I had not yet thought of myself as black or my classmates as white, in that way that signals otherness. As I observed my family’s reaction t and watched the news, I began to realize that what happened was being portrayed as more than an unfortunate event but as a constant thing that was being done disproportionately to Black Americans. Since then, I have become increasingly fascinated by the socio-economic and political use of race in America. One thing that continues to intrigue me is how hateful the discourse around race is.
Racial resentment
A lot of things caught my attention during my first few months in America: the love of unhealthy food, pet obsessions, and that magical thing called coffee. I was also fascinated by racial comments I heard in conversations and saw on social media, specifically Tiktok. These comments are always tinted with a certain subtle( sometimes not so subtle) resentment towards whites; many blacks and other minority groups see whites not as mere, fellow humans who may have some ethnic and cultural differences, but as symbolic reminders of a system that keeps them oppressed as a people. This anger/hatred is accepted and even encouraged when perpetuated by blacks but never tolerated when perpetuated by whites. Some even argue that whites cannot experience racism because of their historic privilege and supremacy over other ethnic groups. This kind of thinking, whether merited or not, plants resentment towards whites in people’s hearts.
As my senses heightened to these ideas, I found myself also nursing resentment. It began unconsciously and I stopped myself when I became aware. I remember feeling this resentment a few months before Covid hit. I was at a phone shop with my uncle and mother when I wandered off to admire some display phones at a corner. I must have lost track of time because my mother approached me and said she’d been looking for me. She then made a comment that she thought I was the white girl on the other side of the store. My mother obviously meant this as a silly joke, (I’m hardly light-skinned) yet I felt offended. How could she compare me to a white person? I was annoyed and even a little disgusted. Looking back, I now see that my mother’s joke exposed a hatred that had been subconsciously growing in my mind. It wasn’t the silliness of her joke that offended me, it was the fact that she even thought to say such a thing.
I can only imagine what my life would look like today if I had continued on that path and didn’t save myself from the dark pit of resentment. I refuse to hate a group of people who have done nothing to harm me. Who happen to be classmates, co-workers, teachers, neighbors, and friends. Yes, some white people descended from slave owners, but if we’re going to punish descendants and all white people alike, why shouldn’t we do the same to the descendants of Africans who sold their brothers and sisters to “the white man" in exchange for perishable items like spices? There might be some black Americans who dislike Africans, but there is no general sense of hatred or resentment toward Africans like there is toward all whites.
Everyone has biases but there’s a difference between mistakenly stereotyping a group of people and intentionally acting resentful towards said group; the latter is an act of will. This behavior goes both ways as well. I don’t believe anti-black racism is extinct; am positive there are some whites who feel this way towards blacks and some African blacks who feel this way toward American blacks. This resentment affects all ethnic groups, regardless of who the perpetuator is. Nevertheless, it is only condoned, ignored, or downplayed when whites are the victims.
¨Hate, it has caused a lot of problems in the world, but has not solved one yet.¨ -Maya Angelou
After living in America for almost four years, I still have a lot to learn about her history, particularly Black history. I do not know all there is to know about the plight of blacks in the U.S; I have been told that I lack the ability to understand certain issues because I am an immigrant, and while that may be true in some circumstances, I do not believe it is true in this context. I don’t need to be a black American to recognize the hatred that is being spewed on whites. I admire the resilience of blacks who fought for their freedom through hard work, hope, and perseverance . I am inspired by stories of hope, strength, and kindness, not by stories of hatred and condemnation. The latter will not make the world a better place; it will not rid the world of racism. In fact the exact opposite is guaranteed.
